Yasmine Tadross

There is too much going on to know what to write about so many live at risk so many thoughts pondering in my head I sit down to think but then my anxiety and depression accelerate to the point where I don't feel anything at all I am taught to sit, shut up and attempt to look pretty because my identity looks trendy it is a good picture to showcase that a system is not racist and cissexist on the outside but on the inside, the slurs and death stares kick in people following me around at night wondering what could really happen to me I am not exotic, I am exhausted From the tyranny from the constant fear I am allowed to be tired to find spaces instead of creating them to lay down in a river and shut my eyes to take my pain and turn it into words that create meaning for me words that save me when socializing can't

In the moment I knew, I have experienced the anxiety the pain, and the strain In each moment that seems like a moment of peace Internally the mind races at the speed of light in a constant state of anguish and no ability to get up the moment of relaxation that allows the mind to be at ease for the rest of the world to fly by the rest of my body is left for revitalizing Self-care allows us to understand the shit we go through and what is going on and fuels the resilience within us to keep going our bodies must rest once and a while In order for change to occur to tear a system and build a new one Self-care is most radical because it allows us to understand ourselves and our limits From then we build ourselves to help others and the notion spreads

If I die tomorrow, I will be a mixed bag though not myself I grew each and every day  More aware much stronger If I die tomorrow,  tell my mother that I love you for caring me loving me clothing me for transforming me into the person that I am I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for not being the son that you always wanted  the expectations set I did not meet for not being honest  If I die tomorrow, tell my lover that I love you tell them that there is a spirit inside him that keeps me closer to them their calm aura and laugh out loud moments If I died tomorrow, I want to swim in the ocean the night before let the waves sift through my veins sooth my nerves and remind me of what the world can be endless ocean and crisp sky I would leave this world in a messy state a system that neglects my poc siblings  my life and others are of less value than others  I hope that society is stripped down of its patriarchal state  then we