Yasmine Tadross

I can never really find home. I am sort of never enough for any space not brown enough not queer or trans enough and not fuckable I have not unpacked my bags since I was 16 years old Since my parents took me to my first round of conversion therapy trying to pray away my sickening disease telling me that disgusting that I deserve to be homeless. What I thought was home, blossoming tree surrounding 1088 sq ft haven, became a source of emotional abuse toxicity like a red rose rotting or bread going moldy. So from then on out I have sort of decided that I should just be on my own; try to be close to people, but never close enough that they would miss me be vulnerable, but never enough to display that I am in pain or display too much to so that people don't associate with me. It has been a hard six years since then, sleepless nights, self-depreciation, spontaneous Dunkin Donut Runs and researching the perfect tiny house community. So right now I am feeling everythi

Hey, I seem to fall into this place time and time again, I like you a lot. I seem fall people who seem to remotely like me. I think you're cute. so cute that I have masturbated to you multiple times. I like your presence, I like how calm you are. I also like your thin body framework. I like that you're my height. I really want to kiss you. I want to hold you tight. Why do I do this to myself? I take a regular hang out with someone and glorify it. I like you though, however, I know that you are unavailable. I will still have these feelings with you. I just don't think now is the time to say them to you. I want to be friends with you though, I like your company

What I need is to be left alone With a bottle of red wine A large pizza after saving my appetite to savor the cheesy carb goodness A blank notebook, and a pen. I just need time to truly process I want people to be around me, but I am afraid that I will be too attached They will be apart of the process, but I must go alone

My name is Yasmine or Yas I am a black hairy woman human plus lots of different things and yes I can still be confused about myself, I like it that way! It allows me to be open-ended I have depression Suicidal ideations Bipolar disorder Insomnia Anxiety and distorted thoughts (Essentially a red flag for OkCupid!!) I am independent on the outside Strutting my heels on crowded sidewalks not giving a fuck if people stare at me because in the end, I know that the world wants to have erotic sex in public with me but on the inside I want people to put their arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok, even when it seems like it's not I can never be happy with anything and no matter what happens, I will always feel empty I feel like the world hates me most days But I have friends that love me for my past, present and future all at the same time My greatest fear is that all my friends will get sick of me and leave me I feel like people see me and think

It seems like the one emotion that I always feel is loss. Regardless, of positive, negative, melancholy, apathy, joy, I feel like everything is incomplete Whether I am denied my humanity black trans women being murdered left and right people without homes being put in jail because we don't like the site of them poor people being denied access to food, water, and shelter everyone is experiencing loss we seem to like to blame the individuals for their lack of humanity "there are homeless shelters everywhere, you should not be on the street" like as if these places are fully funded and except all people, they are only meant to keep people overnight. "Maybe you are called a faggot is because the way that you are dressed, you are just asking for it" Well if people stopped putting their insecurities on girls like me, we wouldn't be in this fucking mess. "Maybe if you got a job, you wouldn't be poor." Well no shit Sherlock, they probabl

I am so obsessed with Oblivious White boys Just looking at there blue eyes, harry potter circular lenses, jean jackets, tattoo sleeves, and their obsession with fair trade coffee alone gives me an orgasm I wish that I could find one use his white guilt to buy me a tiny house in Amherst, Massachusetts and live at the rest of our days using our shit to create community gardens I try to like all colors of the rainbow, and I do, I really do I have feelings for all people that are in my life but I just have a soft spot for white boys I am just colonized that way It's really tough having feelings for them because all of them don't find me desirable I am not wifey material I am sorry I can't be claimed There just scared because a black hairy trans woman has ambition and can kick their ass from time to time. Living in a world in which we glorify romantic relationships as the pinnacle and friendships as disposable, I constantly feel alone, I create sexual dreams

Dear Mom and Dad, I am sorry that I failed you the vision that you have wanted for me has now shattered into a million pieces of broken glass laying on the brown scratched up dinner table. we are trying to glue the pieces back together going to the priest to pray everything away reading the bible to yall like a bedtime story going to church growing out the beard All to make sure that you love me These facets I resonate with, but I can't be something that you miss the son that you have always wanted does not exist I don't know what kind of person you all trying to bring back this family is changing You all are changing my brother is changing I am changing You all have caused me so much pain The constant checking of my texts, emails, and contacts to make sure that I am still with the family trying to tell me which friends are right by god The constant use of food to make us overweight the emotional labor that I do for all of you to feel secure constantly

In the end, I will always feel alone, I seem to always become attached to the people I love I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into them even when it sometimes does not come back in return for me, they become a fiber of my being On the bad note, I become obsessive the thought of them lingers through my mind every day to the point where I lose myself I can never stay focused, I lose sight of my needs and wants I guess this is what happens when you have only had friends for four years Being alone is my default receiving and asking for affection is like solving a math equation whenever given love, I create a world in which we are both alone in a green meadow holding me and letting me know that everything will be ok and now that everyone is so geographically spread out, I am left out now if I am crying for help, my request will be lost on a map That is why I think I will never be able to hook up with someone or find a significant other I will grow too attached As a black

When I was 16, I came out as gay I shouted to the world, except for my family I felt like I was going to fulfill the gay dream Walk around publicly in rainbow glitter While singing "Peacock" by Katy Perry I am validating my white boy fetish thoughts and to proclaim a self that I thought suited me at the time Until, my brother found out that I told everyone, but him To be honest, I was planning on telling him, but I thought he wouldn't love me Eventually, I was forced to tell my parents They ultimately tried to cure me Both thought I was a disease A disgrace to the all mighty god I was sick, the devil got me I went through hell going to conversion therapy with the priest he shames me with love blaming my parents, stating it was there doing Putting my hand on my forehand telling whoever god he is looking up to I became enraged for two years Until today, I still think religious people view me as a medical patient only to be saved and deny the fact that

I potentially broke up with you six weeks ago, I told you that I needed space in the relationship That I needed a voice, I am not heard nor listened to regardless of whatever you stated I did not get what I need Even though told you in text and not in person I still think about you constantly, How you're doing? What are you up to? What are you eating today? How is Fluffy? Also, I hope you are wondering about me What grad school am I go? with all the same questions minus the old gray hairy cat named Fluffy I hope that we can heal and come together not to the way it was, but where we can go towards. To the white boy on the New Jersey, You are the first person in my life to actually show me respect who actually cared about how I am doing who invest in my time and interested when I talk about feminism and tiny houses though we video chat and text often I miss your physical presence near me because of the past four weeks have been really hard whether it is grad

In my last day of fulfilling the Diversity Quota for a few days in Oregon, I made a visit to Portland State University, where I got accepted into their Urban Planning Masters program. I had an appointment with Dr. Bates in the department to talk about some of the facets of the program and maybe possibly be my advisor if I choose to go into the program. So I took MAX and went down to PSU and the campus was gorgeous. Half of it essentially blended in with the rest of the city and the other half had old brick buildings with lots of tall blossoming trees. It was so gorgeous that I got lost trying to find the Urban Planning and Affairs building. I was scrambling on google maps to find the building, but even the map was confused too. So after asking four different people, I finally arrived at the Planning department with three minutes left to spare. What allowed me to breathe a little bit was that there was a cute brown guy with a tattoo sleeve on his arm which put me at ease. So then findin

Today I started of the morning making my cup of coffee, buttered bread, and watching 3 episodes of "Love" on Netflix (I would have watched more, but I needed to get my black hairy ass out of the house, also great guilty pleasure show!!!). Anyhow, so I walked from my house to the MAX light rail station to downtown to go and check out Powell's City Book Store. The building was amazing, three long levels of every kind of book that you can imagine. You could ask if they had a book about Tuesdays gorcery shopping list and they would probably have it. They, have an entire floor deicated to religion, feminism, Race, and sci fi, it was a book lovers paradise! I would have honestly spent so much more time there, but I needed to save my money. So I bought The Color of the Law and Bad Feminist,  which I am really excited to start reading these books when I get the chance. After I bought the books, I started to explore downtown to get a bite to eat. While walking in downtown, through

A started off my day at around 6:30 am getting ready to go to Powell's books, but I received a text at 2:23am from Carina, a close friend/mentor from Sonoma State who now works at Oregon State was in Portland for the weekend for her partners birthday. She invited me to at Drag show Brunch at Stag, a gay nightclub in Downtown Portland with such dim rainbow lighting that I did not think the rainbow was functioning this morning. Also, the bartender was a fucking gorgeous black man with thick black braided hair, muscular arms with tattoo sleeves on both, and a well-trimmed beard. I would love to climb him like a tree. I would happily say yes to having erotic sex in public. Anyhow, I was with Carina, her partner, and some of her friends. At that moment I did not know what to expect because usually when a friend introduces me to their group of folks I did not know how social I should be or what kind of person I should perform. So I got over myself and just breathed. I caught up with my f

After a brisk walk through all the 1920 victorian bangalows and the infinite book shops for a cup of coffee, I finally said see you later to Ashland. After, 4.5 hours of driving through Snow, powring rain, and a raibow cutting through the gray skye, I arrived in Portland. In the first 15 minutes of being here, out of all the major cities that I have been to, this is the most amount of trees and white male hipsters that I have seen in any place. I am currently staying in North East Portland, specifically Piedmont, which seems be white with a handful of black folks; each and every black person I saw I sent Audre Lorde solidarity (or the nod) to them. The Place that I am staying in is a tiny cottage wear their are old light brown vintage oak floors and a country kitchen with white subway tile counter tops. It was my dream home. All it needed were some photos of Nina Simone and some glitter, breathtaking! In being here for just a few hours, I have seen so many cute white hipsters. I checke

As I drove up through an endless sea of Redwood trees, picturesque views of Mount Shasta, and stopping by the one Del Taco on the way because I was craving LA/OC nostalgia, my hairy black femme ass finally arrived in Ashland Oregon. A town of 1920s bungalows in which I want to turn them all into tiny houses on wheels, tree-lined streets, and two black folks (from my view); one of them made a transphobic comment about my leggings and my purse, however, I can't help but trigger the desires of men! It was gorgeous, a town where you see old hippies the left of you and college students to the right. A town where I could honestly just feel settled in and fulfill the diversity quota. Views of Mount Ashland with a top layer of snow on top, green pastures, and hills with infinite redwoods on top. From the endless amount of microbreweries who like to pride themselves on making the best chicken wings (do they want a metal for mediocrity), I went and got Ramen on a night that was 39 degrees. T

You are tokenized, Once you occupy the margins, you are then seen as the prop A puppet for diversity, To show the University is making the changes necessary to be "inclusive and diverse" speaking of the words, they are just a buzz word to replace racism, white supremacy and other systems that put people at the margins They want all the colors of the rainbow, but without the substance Speaking of substance, the students who work with you are complete shit heads It is a throwback to high school, people expect too much from you and don't seem to mind their own fucking business. It becomes a toxic environment when marginalized people are in the environment. It becomes a competition of who is the most marginalized and who can be the better trans person or brown person or insert marginalized identity here. I hated it and after quitting the job it has forced me to look at myself and what I want. It is a first of many steps to happiness, but I need to figure out the n