Yasmine Tadross

This is the first time I have seen myself, Behind the blemishes and eyeshadow You See the confused person The flaws are in plain site The makeup is armor and the fears is your sword lay down one's weapon, what is left is something unknown I can see the kreeses in the eyes Each and every day without that armor, you are not valid for the person you imagined Everything is hyper, One is not validated until they look fabulous but, nothing more Exotic or rushing for a fraternity Wondering where is my validity When will the spirits of my QTPOC siblings reign and our colors will wash out this sphere That commodifies our facets, but not have a voice Damned If I do damn if I don't So I will present however I please A work in progress, I love the makeup, but much different Regardless I am Trans, Brown, Egyptian, and Queer Meet me here regardless of how I look

I sit and get coffee with you, that is how every cheesy love poems go right? All of my worries seem to fade and the notion of being present occurs to me Within millions of people, that is NYC, you feel alone the wounds that bear my soul starts to rapidly grow like a wildfire in a dry heat wave whenever my light is submerged in a fog of eternal darkness, I think of you, the kindness and warm heart the ability to listen the infectious laugh the thought of you lets me feel complete I want to tell you and be vulnerable but I don't my internal fears of misogyny and the question of "Am I woman enough?' surges I want to be able to love you though you may not give the favor back Though you may not feel the same, I will still be there when needed Hopefully in the future, I will tell you how I feel to be fully vulnerable to gain strength and love on our own terms

Seeing Myself within spaces Once we have one of me in the mainstream Everything is better right? I don’t have to be scared no more I am safe from harm I can just roam free like Neil Patrick Harris And his adorable family Listen to this straight white folks This is my letter to you, I am a pissed off Trans Woman of color That is breaking the flow what is going on I will not be erased I will not be normative My body is here to stay The death stairs and Being called disgusting countless times I would rather not leave my cubicle But what would I do for my community? Hiding leads to the violence of others Sheltering leaves others vulnerable So I make my presence I strut to my own rhythm wear my makeup, skirt, facial hairs and brown skin on my sleeve, though the odds are against me My QTPOC siblings are here Honey, you are just going to live with us

In my little black dress, it symbolizes part of my feminity my happy place and the fluidity of myself in moments of sorrow and pain the moments that I build myself from a stroke of a brush to a dress that fits me In that black dress, my future flashes right in front of me my career my partner my future apartment everything that I hoped for is captured in this single image Though I may be called disgusting or dirt, this dress is what I look back to the makeup, the shade of lipstick the things remind me of what I am fighting for the liberation QTPOC

This is me Someone who tries too hard who exhausts herself and does not see the beauty in her This is me at my happiest and most frightful Trying so hard to contemplate all that she sees Releasing the fluid identity to the entire world Not yet realise all that she has Composed, But when you look the other way I am exhausted and suffocated Though I carry these characteristics around, My truth is reborn each and every day My fluidity keeps me going Even when I can't leave the sheets It keeps me fighting for eradication and justice so that all my Queer and Trans siblings will be liberated and set free To be someone that my community and loved ones can be proud of This is me One who carries the internal insecurities and oppressions Each and every day as I leave spaces Though I am working on it I am working on it

I was born in a sea of whiteness walking into spaces; I was the brown elephant in the room no time to play around with a ball 5 years felt like five months I would look around so much beauty from the crystal blue oceans to the perfectly aligned Palm Trees that weren't even ours from the gorgeous two story houses with the nice front porch to the pretty white kids playing around on perfectly trimmed green grass Walking through, society seems so perfect Newport Beach, A typical white suburbia where you're surrounded by so many scenic views yet you feel so alone in it A place where you outsource your healing rather than finding a community that would bring empathy rather than acknowledge your skin color they chose to avoid it or profile you though I left, I hoped from one bubble to another But I found a community through it that allow me to feel however I want to feel and to give me the power to choose my own autonomy I now grow to 20 years and still managing

There is too much going on to know what to write about so many live at risk so many thoughts pondering in my head I sit down to think but then my anxiety and depression accelerate to the point where I don't feel anything at all I am taught to sit, shut up and attempt to look pretty because my identity looks trendy it is a good picture to showcase that a system is not racist and cissexist on the outside but on the inside, the slurs and death stares kick in people following me around at night wondering what could really happen to me I am not exotic, I am exhausted From the tyranny from the constant fear I am allowed to be tired to find spaces instead of creating them to lay down in a river and shut my eyes to take my pain and turn it into words that create meaning for me words that save me when socializing can't

In the moment I knew, I have experienced the anxiety the pain, and the strain In each moment that seems like a moment of peace Internally the mind races at the speed of light in a constant state of anguish and no ability to get up the moment of relaxation that allows the mind to be at ease for the rest of the world to fly by the rest of my body is left for revitalizing Self-care allows us to understand the shit we go through and what is going on and fuels the resilience within us to keep going our bodies must rest once and a while In order for change to occur to tear a system and build a new one Self-care is most radical because it allows us to understand ourselves and our limits From then we build ourselves to help others and the notion spreads

If I die tomorrow, I will be a mixed bag though not myself I grew each and every day  More aware much stronger If I die tomorrow,  tell my mother that I love you for caring me loving me clothing me for transforming me into the person that I am I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for not being the son that you always wanted  the expectations set I did not meet for not being honest  If I die tomorrow, tell my lover that I love you tell them that there is a spirit inside him that keeps me closer to them their calm aura and laugh out loud moments If I died tomorrow, I want to swim in the ocean the night before let the waves sift through my veins sooth my nerves and remind me of what the world can be endless ocean and crisp sky I would leave this world in a messy state a system that neglects my poc siblings  my life and others are of less value than others  I hope that society is stripped down of its patriarchal state  then we

As I stay within these walls, my perception takes hold stories become more confusing to tell identities more complex the dynamics alter As time goes on, the thought of you keeps coming though you are unavailable I still think about you How are you? What are you up to? How is your family? Every dynamic of you lingers through my brain Looking out the window, I see you smile and run around on light green grass with the dirt patch in the middle I light is shed upon you that fades everyone into black though you are unavailable and uncomfortable around me for whatever reason I still cherish the moments that we had the conversations over screens the moments that we smile at each other I scroll and swipe through your photos to see that you are great, life is treating you well I thank you for the moments that has caused me relief and agony comfort and invisibility From all this I have given myself something, Self-Determination

I am in a state of default  all that goes on  The fifty queer and Trans bodies of color that have been buried I take the dynamic and run with it What is there to run with though Each time a person from my community dies a part of me goes with them I sit and ponder for the lives that are next The validity of my life and all my Queer and Trans siblings of color People seek a war coming When we have been fighting in the middle of one Fight for our purpose and our lives constantly erased, targeted, and rather seen as dead  I want to live in a world  Where all bodies and identities are liberated  Where people can define their bodies on their terms and not by system