Yasmine Tadross

What I need is to be left alone With a bottle of red wine A large pizza after saving my appetite to savor the cheesy carb goodness A blank notebook, and a pen. I just need time to truly process I want people to be around me, but I am afraid that I will be too attached They will be apart of the process, but I must go alone

My name is Yasmine or Yas I am a black hairy woman human plus lots of different things and yes I can still be confused about myself, I like it that way! It allows me to be open-ended I have depression Suicidal ideations Bipolar disorder Insomnia Anxiety and distorted thoughts (Essentially a red flag for OkCupid!!) I am independent on the outside Strutting my heels on crowded sidewalks not giving a fuck if people stare at me because in the end, I know that the world wants to have erotic sex in public with me but on the inside I want people to put their arms around me and tell me that everything will be ok, even when it seems like it's not I can never be happy with anything and no matter what happens, I will always feel empty I feel like the world hates me most days But I have friends that love me for my past, present and future all at the same time My greatest fear is that all my friends will get sick of me and leave me I feel like people see me and think

It seems like the one emotion that I always feel is loss. Regardless, of positive, negative, melancholy, apathy, joy, I feel like everything is incomplete Whether I am denied my humanity black trans women being murdered left and right people without homes being put in jail because we don't like the site of them poor people being denied access to food, water, and shelter everyone is experiencing loss we seem to like to blame the individuals for their lack of humanity "there are homeless shelters everywhere, you should not be on the street" like as if these places are fully funded and except all people, they are only meant to keep people overnight. "Maybe you are called a faggot is because the way that you are dressed, you are just asking for it" Well if people stopped putting their insecurities on girls like me, we wouldn't be in this fucking mess. "Maybe if you got a job, you wouldn't be poor." Well no shit Sherlock, they probabl

I am so obsessed with Oblivious White boys Just looking at there blue eyes, harry potter circular lenses, jean jackets, tattoo sleeves, and their obsession with fair trade coffee alone gives me an orgasm I wish that I could find one use his white guilt to buy me a tiny house in Amherst, Massachusetts and live at the rest of our days using our shit to create community gardens I try to like all colors of the rainbow, and I do, I really do I have feelings for all people that are in my life but I just have a soft spot for white boys I am just colonized that way It's really tough having feelings for them because all of them don't find me desirable I am not wifey material I am sorry I can't be claimed There just scared because a black hairy trans woman has ambition and can kick their ass from time to time. Living in a world in which we glorify romantic relationships as the pinnacle and friendships as disposable, I constantly feel alone, I create sexual dreams

Dear Mom and Dad, I am sorry that I failed you the vision that you have wanted for me has now shattered into a million pieces of broken glass laying on the brown scratched up dinner table. we are trying to glue the pieces back together going to the priest to pray everything away reading the bible to yall like a bedtime story going to church growing out the beard All to make sure that you love me These facets I resonate with, but I can't be something that you miss the son that you have always wanted does not exist I don't know what kind of person you all trying to bring back this family is changing You all are changing my brother is changing I am changing You all have caused me so much pain The constant checking of my texts, emails, and contacts to make sure that I am still with the family trying to tell me which friends are right by god The constant use of food to make us overweight the emotional labor that I do for all of you to feel secure constantly

In the end, I will always feel alone, I seem to always become attached to the people I love I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into them even when it sometimes does not come back in return for me, they become a fiber of my being On the bad note, I become obsessive the thought of them lingers through my mind every day to the point where I lose myself I can never stay focused, I lose sight of my needs and wants I guess this is what happens when you have only had friends for four years Being alone is my default receiving and asking for affection is like solving a math equation whenever given love, I create a world in which we are both alone in a green meadow holding me and letting me know that everything will be ok and now that everyone is so geographically spread out, I am left out now if I am crying for help, my request will be lost on a map That is why I think I will never be able to hook up with someone or find a significant other I will grow too attached As a black