When your 16 and complicated

When I was 16,
I came out as gay
I shouted to the world, except for my family
I felt like I was going to fulfill the gay dream
Walk around publicly in rainbow glitter
While singing "Peacock" by Katy Perry
I am validating my white boy fetish thoughts
and to proclaim a self that I thought suited me at the time
Until, my brother found out that I told everyone, but him
To be honest, I was planning on telling him, but I thought he wouldn't love me
Eventually, I was forced to tell my parents
They ultimately tried to cure me
Both thought I was a disease
A disgrace to the all mighty god
I was sick, the devil got me

I went through hell going to conversion therapy with the priest
he shames me with love
blaming my parents, stating it was there doing
Putting my hand on my forehand
telling whoever god he is looking up to
I became enraged for two years
Until today, I still think religious people view me as a medical patient
only to be saved and deny the fact that I have a heart
that I deserved to be cured of whatever disease that I have
to then fulfill god's duty
 to procreate

I eventually was forced to suppress in order to be in a livable household
lie about who I am hanging out with
staying out of the house as long as possible
and live in my own head,
where I am able to create worlds in which people can self-narrate themselves

Since then, I realized it was the start of a complicated journey of opening oneself to feelings,
anger, and politics
The Process of being open ended


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