Why I Need to Stop Going After White Boys
I went to a pub with a friend,
It was a Wednesday and 40% off appetizers,
Because we both know we are not paying full price for that shit.
We were talking about Angel from the tv show Pose,
He said that I was similar to her, specifically around white boys.
I don’t know, I have always been fond of them.
They are sooo…… normative.
They walk the street like there is no care in the world, it just turns me on.
He told me jokingly that “I needed to stop going after them.''
Though just for humor, I really thought about it.
For most of my life, I thought if white men desired me, that would be the end
goal.
I would have reached the pinnacle of desirability,
Run through a hill where the bright green grass is up to my knee.
We can run together holding hands and lay down next to each other as the sunsets.
That was never the case, white boys saw me as a spectacle.
I am fabulous on a stage or pole, but ugly when walking on the sidewalk.
A person to desire at 3am as they are anxiously trying to go to sleep,
Yet discard me like an empty plastic cup as they found out what is actually between my
legs.
They are the men that have told my family that we don’t have a home.
Because North Africa has been colonized so many times we don’t actually know what
we are.
The type of men who will tell women like me that in order to be desirable, you have to
be exceptional.
If I do not give the most labor in the room, I might as well be invisible.
The type of boys I desire, white, fit, takes up two seats on the subway instead of one,
will never desire me.
I always thought that if they did, then I would find myself desirable.
I thought that they were too good for me, but I am too good for them.
I don't need them to be desirable, I have community, Missy Elliot, and slowly but surely myself for that.
It was a Wednesday and 40% off appetizers,
Because we both know we are not paying full price for that shit.
We were talking about Angel from the tv show Pose,
He said that I was similar to her, specifically around white boys.
I don’t know, I have always been fond of them.
They are sooo…… normative.
They walk the street like there is no care in the world, it just turns me on.
He told me jokingly that “I needed to stop going after them.''
Though just for humor, I really thought about it.
For most of my life, I thought if white men desired me, that would be the end
goal.
I would have reached the pinnacle of desirability,
Run through a hill where the bright green grass is up to my knee.
We can run together holding hands and lay down next to each other as the sunsets.
That was never the case, white boys saw me as a spectacle.
I am fabulous on a stage or pole, but ugly when walking on the sidewalk.
A person to desire at 3am as they are anxiously trying to go to sleep,
Yet discard me like an empty plastic cup as they found out what is actually between my
legs.
They are the men that have told my family that we don’t have a home.
Because North Africa has been colonized so many times we don’t actually know what
we are.
The type of men who will tell women like me that in order to be desirable, you have to
be exceptional.
If I do not give the most labor in the room, I might as well be invisible.
The type of boys I desire, white, fit, takes up two seats on the subway instead of one,
will never desire me.
I always thought that if they did, then I would find myself desirable.
I thought that they were too good for me, but I am too good for them.
I don't need them to be desirable, I have community, Missy Elliot, and slowly but surely myself for that.
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