I am just a fetish

I am just a fetish,
When a white boy tried to play with my trauma
in order to have sex with me
He told me that I was beautiful for my light brown skin
as he never wanted to give me pleasure 
because like capitalism,
he commodified my brown body for an orgasm
and left me vulnerable on the white, cracked sidewalk   

I am just a fetish,
when straight cisgender white and women of color only care about my lipstick
How I look on stage, but not when I talk
they wonder how I look, but not how I am going to get home tonight 
When I tell them that people say I am ugly, disgusting, and a fa***t
they just say that I am beautiful and move on to the next thing
as if I am worthy of my own violence

I am just a fetish,
When people compare my womanhood to Caitlyn Jenner 
Even though she is like the countless other white women 
who told my mother to only speak English

I am just a fetish,
When I am up on stage 
Heart on my sleeve
tears coming down my eyes 
A Long dark brown wavy wig
and a Black, long, silky dress
and all my black body hair underneath the bright yellow spotlight 
to show that I am a woman 
yet the audience applauds, but I could not hear them
because once these feet step off the stage 
I am just like every trans sister of color,
who steps off the stage,
only moments later being told that were disgusting

When can I stop performing and just be?
Most importantly, when is my rage validated
Self Actualization is hard,
it takes confronting your trauma and the countless times people implied that you are not human
whether they were well intentioned or not
One thing is for sure, through this process
I will wear my gellabya and my headwrap
because these clothes let me see me



Location: Santa Ana, CA, USA

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