Loneliness is a State of Emergency

In the end, I will always feel alone,
I seem to always become attached to the people I love
I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into them
even when it sometimes does not come back in return
for me, they become a fiber of my being

On the bad note, I become obsessive
the thought of them lingers through my mind every day
to the point where I lose myself
I can never stay focused, I lose sight of my needs and wants
I guess this is what happens when you have only had friends for four years
Being alone is my default
receiving and asking for affection is like solving a math equation
whenever given love, I create a world in which we are both alone in a green meadow
holding me and letting me know that everything will be ok
and now that everyone is so geographically spread out, I am left out
now if I am crying for help, my request will be lost on a map
That is why I think I will never be able to hook up with someone or find a significant other
I will grow too attached

As a black hairy trans woman, especially an empath
I struggle with loneliness
The world sees me as disposable
whether people call me a faggot or just want me for my red lipstick
It feels heavy most days when I wake up out of bed
and no a boyfriend is not going to solve my problems
It seems like whatever positivity that occurs, a part of me is empty
Whether it is I don't see myself in spaces,
Even when I am around people, friends, loved ones, crowds
Get-togethers over coffee
Walks with friends
or endless selfies
My mind always goes to the most distorted thoughts
I assume the worst things will happen to me
No matter how much the fruits that bear from my tireless labor
I will always feel empty, never complete
I will never truly feel apart of the space

In the end, I will always feel alone
because no matter how many people enter and stay in my world
Everyone will at some point leave
and I will sit in a 300sq ft tiny house
hoping that people will think about me


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